You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
