8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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