i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
