i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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