you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize