quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
