why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
