I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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