i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
