nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
