you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
