haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
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