I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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