Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Randomize
