I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
