what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
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