Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Randomize
