I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize