Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
