I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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