what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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