why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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