Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
