And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
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