I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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