i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
