He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
