Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
