im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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