i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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