i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
