I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Randomize
