a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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