is your mom at the bar?
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
