My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
