too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Randomize