I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize