luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
