who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Sext me about skeletons
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
