so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
