maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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