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I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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