At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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