Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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