i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
