My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
