There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
