Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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