I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
