I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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