piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
