thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Randomize