i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
It's official drugs can't kill me
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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