My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
