mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Pants are for mortals
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
