yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
