So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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