When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
