Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Oh god it's open bar.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
