Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
