i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Randomize
