Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
