Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
