Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
