Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
