Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
