Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
