the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
