the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
In other news, I just burned my penis
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
