so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
