oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Drake has all the answers
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
