if you like me you must not know who I am
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
